What I need to say.

Sometimes a blank page is too much. I look at it and wonder how I will ever have the words to say what I need to say. Go ahead. Hum John Mayer. I am. 

A long time ago Joslyn quoted the lyrics. And, I'll be honest, probably half the time that's on repeat in the soundtrack in my head. Someday, if anyone wants to know, I'll try to write about the whole soundtrack. Not tonight. 

Tonight it's about needing to say things. A lot of the time I don't want to say things. I don't want to blog. I don't want to talk. Most of all I don't want to cry. But I need to. I need to get things out of my head. 

I have a friend who is an artist. About 3-4 years ago he started making some very ugly art. Okay, I'm not an aficionado of more modern art (I'm partial to Impressionist), and I am sure that there are people who appreciate his more recent work. For me, though, the colors were too bold. The lines too sharp. The subject matter was dark or obscure or...ugly. It was cubist and surreal and subjective and interpretive. It's no real secret that I'm not taken with these works; I've told him. He had some beautiful work that he had done prior to this period that I really liked, and I wanted to know why the change. So, you know me, I asked.

He told me that these images were some that stemmed from his childhood. They had started haunting his thoughts and work. He knew that he had to work through it; he had to paint these images in order to move on, whatever the path might lead. 

I get it. I've got to work through the ugly.  

I've got to write the terrible/beautiful things. 

I've got to say the horrifying words. 

I ... need to say what I need to say. 

I don't have to like it. 

"Even if your hands are shakin'

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closin'

Do it with your heart wide open

A wide heart"