Yes, I've paid the price, oh but see how much I've gained.
If I had to, I can do anything.
I am strong.
I am invincible.
I am woman."
-Helen Reddy
We sang this constantly while in the Boundary Waters while portaging or paddling into a stiff headwind and whitecaps. I learned the lyrics and sang with gusto every line except this one: Yes, I've paid the price, oh but see how much I've gained.
I've paid a heavy toll to be here. Stuck here. Floundering about in my grief. Asking myself what have I gained?
I'm bitter. Angry. Sad. Disheartened. Grieving.
I seriously want to kick someone in the nuts.
I don't think those are things to be proud of as gained. I don't think they're anything to be sung about.
I've lost my baby girl. I've lost my worldas I knew it. I've lost my ability to be happy, to go through a day without crying, to hold my precious firstborn. I hug Libby at night and think of how cold Katie was when I last held her, trying to give her my warmth.
Pretty special, right?
What I gained came in the 14 years, 10 months, 15 days, and 15 hours before her death. I wouldn't trade it, even knowing the end. But it certainly wasn't enough.
