The Pit of Despair (don't even think about escaping)

I wake up every morning with dread.  I know that something awful is going to happen every day.  I can't shake the feeling, because something always does happen.  I say always, its a given that every weekday will have some sucky thing happen.  It's a high percentage possibility that the weekend will suck as well.

I struggle with my own self.  That's hard enough.  But I also have to struggle with and for Libby.  She fights every morning to stay in bed.  She, too, knows that sucky things will happen.  Because sucky things happen for her, too.

Maybe it's a missing homework assignment.  Maybe a thoughtless remark.  Maybe it's a forgotten phone call or email.  Maybe it's just overwhelming grief.

I remember, once upon a time, when I could wake up with happiness, looking forward to the day.  More often than not, life would be good.  I could say "look for the good" to the girls and know that there was good out there for them.  Once the ultimate happens, it's hard to see the good.  It's practically impossible to see the good.  Sometimes it's hard to remember that good once was.

It's really the Pit of Despair.

Under cover

Seriously, I am under the covers. Working from home. Taking a lunch break. Had to go upstairs. Saw the bed unmade (yeah, call call me a slob).  Crawled in and covered up my head. I am the teensiest bit claustrophobic, so I have to periodically get some fresh air under here, but it's cozy. And it feels safe. It's one of *those* days. 

Damn. Libby turning 14 sucked. She's there, but it was a hard birthday for both of us. Katie was 14. You can't fix that. Turning 15 will be harder. Libby was never supposed to be the oldest. I was never meant to have just one living child. We mourn for the loss of Katie, and we mourn for the loss of who we were before. 

But, just as I can't stay under the covers, Libby can't not grow up. She has to get older. She has to grow taller. (She's taller than I am now.) It's how life is supposed to go. 

We are going camping over spring break. Cheap, car camping. Just the two of us. The mountains and then the beach. Smokies and then Gulf Coast. I'm looking forward to running away.