I cry every time I hear Auld Lang Sine. That's the biggest reason I wanted to be home NYE. I didn't want to hear the song and cry. I can be a downer at home. I don't have to ruin it for everyone.
I read Wild by Cheryl Strayed over my trip to Oklahoma. I'm struck by a couple of things from the book. I feel like there should be some outward manifestation of my grief. I talked to my friend Mary about it at lunch on NYE. She was struck thinking about how mourning clothes are an outward symbol of mourning, how she always thought that was oppressive (so did I). Now I'm thinking that I get mourning clothes. It's so that people know without you having to tell them. So that people get why you're so screwed up inside.
Second point is that I want to do something. What I don't know. So my resolution is exactly 31 days long. Day 1: walk a block, do one sit up, do one push up. Day 2: walk two blocks, do two sit ups, do two push ups. You get the pattern. I figure this is not what my final plan is, but it will give me time to think and will get me ready for whatever it is.
The holidays are behind me for another year.
I realized on the 27th that I found out that I was pregnant with Katie on a Friday the 13th. Friday, February 13, 1998. We had laughed that we should have waited until Valentine's Day to do the test. (Libby was the 4th of July, 2000.)
No comments:
Post a Comment