So damn hard

I could just write that I'm tired of life being so damn hard and quit for today. I think everyone would understand. I am tired. It is hard. I don't have enough energy to pick up my story where I left off. 

Early on I was told by a counselor that when it gets too hard, our brains will shut down that part of the emotion. I hit that at the first funeral especially. I remember it like a switch. Sobbing. Exhausted. Then...nothing. It was a blessing at the receiving line. "Thank you. You're so kind..... Thank you. You're so kind...."  People I didn't know. Condolences. Repeat. I was a flight attendant at the final gate. "Bye bye. Thanks for flying. Goodbye. Bye bye. Thank you...."

It was only broke up by the "real people." My people. The ones I whispered to in hugs. The ones I told that I was going to get through the receiving line before I collapsed. Or lost it. The ones who held my hands and heart. On whose shoulders I leaned. 

I don't have a real reason for telling you this other than maybe just to say, I need a little numb. I'm tired of it being damn hard. I'm tired of having a panic attack while sitting on my own couch, trying to read a fluff book while waiting for pizza to arrive. That's hard. 

There were good points to today. I invented a new cookie bar on the fly (Oreo candy bars). I had friends come help with yard work, and they put away the summer furniture. Amy D visited. Joslyn visited. Lib has a sleepover here tonight, and two more mom friends visited. 

So why?  Just why...everything?