Libby asked why there were times that Joe and I just looked at each other and didn't say anything. My only answer was that we were being the witness for each other's grief. Our grief. The burden we share. We started it. We're gonna finish it. Somehow. This has brought us closer together as a family.
On a separate note, we are back to couch sleeping tonight. I'm not sure why. I don't think Lib could tell you why either. It's so complicated. It's tied up in tired and emotional and sad and angry and I-don't-want-to-be-brave and it's-not-right-without-Katie.
It isn't. Nothing is right without Katie. I cried on the train yesterday because Katie should have been with us. I miss her every second. Even if I'm laughing about something a part of me thinks, "Katie would think this is funny."
Or "Katie would like this book."
Or "That's Katie's favorite ice cream/color/coat/quote...."
Surely there will be an end sometime to the pain.
Someone told me once, "It'll never hurt less, but it'll hurt less often." Maybe that will happen....?
ReplyDeletePersonally I think what will happen isn't that the pain will end, but that you'll get used to it. You'll know how to live with it.
And it doesn't matter WHY you sleep on the couch or why you do anything you do. It's your grief. You do whatever helps you. Whenever it helps you. For however long it helps you. You and Libs don't answer to anyone but yourselves.
I ditto AMY!! 16 years without my Mom and yes, the pain lessens but it does not end. You learn to live with it. And you do it all on your terms, there is no "right way" or "wrong way"! I still catch myself saying "my mom would love this or that" and when I have my grandsons I think "my mom would love them." Soon enough, you will think "Katie would like this book" with a smile instead of sadness. I laugh when I think my Mom would have loved Facebook :) she was such a people person. I hug you everyday in my heart, I hope you can feel it.
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