Struggling

I'm struggling right now with anxiety and grief.  I asked my counselor if it was grief or depression.  She told me that there is such overlap between the two when grief is involved, that it doesn't matter.  I just know that I have a hard time.

It was better over spring break.  Kinda.  I had to delay the trip by a day because of anxiety.  Then we had to delay the trip another day because Libby was vomiting and then I was vomiting, too.  Not an auspicious start, but we did get out the door.  Anxiety chased me.  My mantra became "be in the moment."  I couldn't dwell on the past or the future without breaking down, but as long as I was in the moment, I could breathe.

Damn.  Who knew it would still be hard to breathe?

Now that I'm back to "normal" life, I'm back to the anxiety.  It crawls up my back and neck.  It sits hunched on my shoulders.  I need to keep my mantra "be in the moment."  I'm reminded of the poem "there's big work to do and there's lesser to do and the task we must do is the near." (I looked it up.  It's the poem Be by Douglas Mallock.)  I learned it in high school, back when I was traveling as a motivational speaker.  Yeah, I get like that.

But I'm doing the near task.  The one in front of me.  Billing.  Appointments.  Returning calls and emails.  As long as I focus on what's in front of me, I'm better.   I just can't stop to think.

Libby (I hope!) is caught up with all of her school work.  It has been a rough year on my baby.  She's missed so much school that we have a meeting with the school to talk about her absences.     I don't have any doubts about her completion, but it's important that she get back to the grindstone and finish out the school year strong.  Then we can both move onto the next task.

Just keep swimming.