God

How can you put your trust in God when the only (and I really mean only) thing you've ever asked God to do is to take care of your babies and God didn't?

"Please keep them safe," I prayed every morning going to school.  "Please keep them safe," I prayed as they drove away with their dad for visits.  "Please keep them safe," I prayed when they slept at night.

Sometimes I'd add "and well."  Maybe "help her to have a good time" if I knew she was anxious about something.  If it was a particularly troublesome day, I might add "and give me strength."  My only prayers for me were to be better a better mother for them.  But the constant, only thing I would always ask for is for them to be safe.  I didn't ask for help to find the car keys.  I didn't trouble God to help me get through bronchitis.  I said the prayers at church, but the all consuming, underlying breath was for their safety.

I had a hard time letting them fly alone.  I wasn't there to keep them safe.  I entrusted them to God.

I had a hard time letting them go.  I had to let them become independent women, but when I wasn't there with them to keep them safe, I entrusted them to God.

Keep them safe.  Please keep them safe.

So how to do you trust God, how do you pray for anything, when the only thing you've ever begged for, Literally. Begged. For,  was unheard?

I watch Libby go into school, and my throat chokes on the words.  I'm afraid of jinxing her.  I'm afraid of being let down again, of hurting that much again, of losing another child.

How do you ever trust in anything again?