Not in my job description

I had a shitty and unproductive week last week. It is so hard sometimes just to stand upright, let alone actually accomplishing something. I hate it!  I used to be much more productive than this. Now, just getting out of bed is sometimes the greatest achievement of my day. 

There were so many things that got me down. Compassionate Friends. Appointment as co-representative of Katie's estate. Hangover from vacation. Coming to grips with the reality of a Girl Scout trip without her (yeah, I'm not there yet).  Sad and stressed Libby as she has to continue her life without Katie. 

Sometimes it's nice to just go back to the blissful unreality. It's getting harder to find. Every thing I clean now has something that reminds me of her. Every time I go to bed there is some sad, sad thought. I'm crying a lot more again. 

Eleven months. 

Then a year. Holy Mary Mother of God, I'm not prepared for this. I'm not supposed to be *that* mother. This is so very much not what I signed on to do.