Attempting self-care

Today was a big day. I feel like I accomplished a lot personally. It's hard to manage "radical" self-care as Anne Lamott would put it. Especially when you're back to "left foot, right foot, left foot, breathe."  I'm trying, though. 

Establishing care with a new health care twice in 8 months or so is rough under any circumstances, but when insurance changes, so do we. This means that I've sat with a new provider twice and wept while they weep with me. But I did it and finally got it done even with the fact that I've had this insurance for a while now. We are trying some different things that will hopefully help as the anniversary grows closer. 

And counselling was today. That always makes me sob. I just have to believe that this pain now will help me in the long run. It's damn painful every visit. 

I am blessed with providers who care deeply, though. I told the nurse practitioner today that I feel rather like a person in a foreign land who doesn't understand the currency or the language. I just hold out my hands and hope that someone will understand my needs, take what they should, and give me what's the best for me in return. 

What a far cry from the woman in charge of her own health and destiny. She should probably, eventually reappear. I just know she's not here now.