Nightmares

I've been sitting on this one for a long time, contemplating if I should even blog about nightmares.  I'm still not sure, but I've been haunted by nightmares lately.  Thankfully, I've not had the same nightmare twice, but the ones that I have are the ones that stick with you for days after.

The biggest baddest one was back when Katie's accident just happened.  We were all together, and for whatever reason we decided that we wanted to have a natural burial out where she was killed.  Instead of a funeral home or whatever, we had her at home with us.  She looked like she looked when we saw her before the cremation.  I was holding her in my lap, crying, and I looked over and Libby just laid over on the couch where she was sitting.  She just... died... right before my eyes.  Just... died.  Joe came in and was yelling at me, asking how I could have killed them both.  And in my dream I KNEW it was my fault.  I had done this terrible thing.  I just wanted to die myself.  I woke myself up crying.

I still haven't been able to shake the feeling that I was the cause of Katie's death.  Now I look at Libby with fear that something will happen to her.  That by some neglect I will kill her, too.

Rational Me knows the truth.  Rational Me says that It was not my fault.  I wasn't there.  It wasn't something I did.  It was a mechanical failure that caused the accident and killed my baby.

Rational Me knows that I'm not neglecting Libby.  If anything I'm hovering too closely over her, making sure she eats and drinks and gets to school on time with all of her homework done.

But deep down there are things that I can't shake.  And I won't be able to shake them until I know what mechanical failure actually happen.

If I can shake them then.

I feel like I'm going to be haunted by this for life.