Divorced now. Check. Trying to move on. Check. I know I made the right decision. He proved it yet again last week as we were trying to get the final stuff done.
I am selfish. I have to be. I can't waste my scarce emotional energy. I choose to only be around people who help recharge my energy. If someone is draining it, I cannot be around them. I know enough to know that I'm too emotionally fragile for such shit. I feel like a leach saying it, but I need you for the emotional recharging. Your love. The cards you send. Letting me sit with you quietly. Reminding me that you loved her, too. Letting me cry if I do. Feeding me. Oh such love goes so far to help me feel (something closer) to whole.
Then I can share my energy with Libby when she needs it. She has more energy than I do as a rule, but when she's drained, it's GONE. It's hard to manage for her. It's hard to manage for me. That's when I draw on those reserves you've given me.
Lots of things have made me think and cry lately.
I almost had a conversation with Katie that didn't tear me up inside.
I had an art therapist tell me that it is okay to break stuff if I feel like it. She also told me that I should also take the stuff I break and create something new. I don't know what to think about that.
I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I'm sure the "create something new" thought was a metaphor, not to be taken too literally. It's a gentle remembrance of what the 'something new' came from. And I completely understand how that might be very difficult to handle in some circumstances. It's just one way of coping...
ReplyDeleteActually, I don't think it was a metaphor. I think she really believes that if I smash pottery then I should make something out of the shards.
DeleteGood point. Artists tend to look at abstract concepts in a very concrete way.
ReplyDelete