It sucks

It's been a roller coaster week. Some good. Some still unknown. Some, well, pretty shitty.  

My bras have made several attempts on my life this week.  I thought we were through with this nonsense. Reality is that although it feels like an assassination attempt, it's really just my being über sensitive again. If it weren't damn cold, I'd probably be wearing a lot less clothing. I am back to the hoodies again. It's pretty bad. 

I melted down multiple days over a light bulb that didn't even burn out. A long time ago probably early October the bedside lamp was turned on in Katie's room and it has burned ever since. I come home and see her light in the window and I talk to her. Sometimes it's just goodnight. Sometimes it's a conversation. I panicked when I thought that the light might burn out. I had to be rescued by my Other Mothers, Joslyn, specifically. 

I don't know why it's been hard. I know why the tough moments were tough, but I don't know why my panic started. My crying is a constant in life; it's not something new.  I don't know why I'm losing sleep. 

I lie. I do know why. The base cause is that my baby is gone. And that breaks my heart. Over and over and over and ...